Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY

What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
God's patience and the king's English.

I'll go watch.

Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
Exit RUGBY
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?

Ay, for fault of a better.

And Master Slender's your master?

Ay, forsooth.

Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?

No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a
little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.

A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
with a warrener.

How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

Yes, indeed, does he.

Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--
Re-enter RUGBY

Out, alas! here comes my master.

We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
go into this closet: he will not stay long.
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet
What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home.
Singing
And down, down, adown-a, & c.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.

Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.
Aside
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.

Is it this, sir?

Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
is dat knave Rugby?

What, John Rugby! John!

Here, sir!

You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!
Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!

O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
Pulling SIMPLE out
Rugby, my rapier!

Good master, be *******.

Wherefore shall I be *******-a?

The young man is an honest man.

What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

Vell.

Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--

Peace, I pray you.

Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.

To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage.

This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.

Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes

[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he
had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and
the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I
keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
all myself,--

[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to
come under one body's hand.

[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? you
shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in
your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master
himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's
neither here nor there.

You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
at his dog:
Exit SIMPLE

Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
will myself have Anne Page.

Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY

You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I
know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heaven.

[Within] Who's within there? ho!

Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.
Enter FENTON

How now, good woman? how dost thou?

The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?

Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart
above your eye?

Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I
shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But
indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
musing: but for you--well, go to.

Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money
for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if
thou seest her before me, commend me.

Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your
worship more of the wart the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.

Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

Farewell to your worship.
Exit FENTON
Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out
upon't! what have I forgot?
Exit

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter

What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
Let me see.
Reads
'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter MISTRESS FORD

Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.

And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
ill.

Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.

Faith, but you do, in my mind.

Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

What's the matter, woman?

O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
could come to such honour!

Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
it? dispense with trifles; what is it?

If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
I could be knighted.

What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
article of thy gentry.

We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very
words. What doth he think of us?

Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
above deck.

So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never
to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
that my husband saw this letter! it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.

Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.

You are the happier woman.

Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
Come hither.
They retire
Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM

Well, I hope it be not so.

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.

Love my wife!

With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name!

What name, sir?

The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit

[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.

[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour
of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
Exit

'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
frights English out of his wits.

I will seek out Falstaff.

I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

If I do find it: well.

I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
o' the town commended him for a true man.

'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.

How now, Meg!
MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward

Whither go you, George? Hark you.

How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?

I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
will you go, Mistress Page?

Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.
Aside to MISTRESS FORD
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
to this paltry knight.

[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:
she'll fit it.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

You are come to see my daughter Anne?

Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?

Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
you.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

How now, Master Ford!

You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

Yes: and you heard what the other told me?

Do you think there is truth in them?

Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service.

Were they his men?

Marry, were they.

I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter?

Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
lie on my head.

I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:
there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
purse when he looks so merrily.
Enter Host
How now, mine host!

How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter SHALLOW

I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
with us? we have sport in hand.

Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.

Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
Drawing him aside

What sayest thou, my bully-rook?

[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My
merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
They converse apart

Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavaleire?

None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
my name is Brook; only for a jest.

My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?

Have with you, mine host.

I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
his rapier.

Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?

Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE

Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
Exit

Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL

I will not lend thee a penny.

Why, then the world's mine oyster.
Which I with sword will open.

Not a penny. I have been *******, sir, you should
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour thou hadst it not.

Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?

Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the ****ter of your
honour! You will not do it, you!

I do relent: what would thou more of man?
Enter ROBIN

Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

Let her approach.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

Give your worship good morrow.

Good morrow, good wife.

Not so, an't please your worship.

Good maid, then.

I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.

I do believe the swearer. What with me?

Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
the hearing.

There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,--

Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--

Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways.

I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
own people.

Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!

Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?

Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray!

Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--

Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.

But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she-Mercury.

Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his
house between ten and eleven.

Ten and eleven?

Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.

Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
not fail her.

Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my
good parts aside I have no other charms.

Blessing on your heart for't!

But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a
marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.

Why, I will.

Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any
wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.

Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's
my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman.
Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN
This news distracts me!

This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit

Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
fairly done, no matter.
Enter BARDOLPH

Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.

Brook is his name?

Ay, sir.

Call him in.
Exit BARDOLPH
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
have I encompassed you? go to; via!
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised

Bless you, sir!

And you, sir! Would you speak with me?

I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
you.

You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.
Exit BARDOLPH

Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.

Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
for I must let you understand I think myself in
better plight for a lender than you are: the which
hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.

Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.

Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
your servant.

Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own; that I
may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

Very well, sir; proceed.

There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
name is Ford.

Well, sir.

I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many to know
what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'

Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

Never.

Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

Never.

Of what quality was your love, then?

Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it.

To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

When I have told you that, I have told you all.
Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
place and person, generally allowed for your many
war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

O, sir!

Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend
it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to
consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
any.

Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves: I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
other her defences, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?

Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

O good sir!

I say you shall.

Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want
none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I
shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
know how I speed.

I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,
sir?

Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:
yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
and there's my harvest-home.

I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
if you saw him.

Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit

What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils' additions, the names of fiends: but
Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be
praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY

Jack Rugby!

Sir?

Vat is de clock, Jack?

'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he
has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
him, if he came.

By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

Villany, take your rapier.

Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE

Bless thee, bully doctor!

Save you, Master Doctor Caius!

Now, good master doctor!

Give you good morrow, sir.

Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee
traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to
see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is
he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is
he dead, bully stale? is he dead?

By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he
is not show his face.

Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or
seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of
souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions.
Is it not true, Master Page?

Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.

Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of
the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one. Though we are justices and doctors and
churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our
youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.

'Tis true, Master Shallow.

It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor
Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of
the peace: you have showed yourself a wise
physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise
and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.

Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.

Mock-vater! vat is dat?

Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de
Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me
vill cut his ears.

He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?

That is, he will make thee amends.

By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;
for, by gar, me vill have it.

And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.

Me tank you for dat.

And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
Aside to them

Sir Hugh is there, is he?

He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

We will do it.

Adieu, good master doctor.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a
jack-an-ape to Anne Page.

Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold
water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou
shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?

By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;
and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page. Said I well?

By gar, 'tis good; vell said.

Let us wag, then.

Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE

I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?

Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town
way.

I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way.

I will, sir.
Exit

'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have
deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog
his urinals about his knave's costard when I have
good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow--
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings
Melodious birds sing madrigals--
When as I sat in Pabylon--
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow & c.
Re-enter SIMPLE

Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

He's welcome.
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over
the stile, this way.

Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
from his book, and it is wonderful.

[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

'Save you, good Sir Hugh!

'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

What, the sword and the word! do you study them
both, master parson?

And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this
raw rheumatic day!

There is reasons and causes for it.

We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.

Fery well: what is it?

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at most
odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you
saw.

I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so
wide of his own respect.

What is he?

I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.

Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as
lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

Why?

He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,
--and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you
would desires to be acquainted withal.

I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

So do you, good master doctor.

Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
their limbs whole and hack our English.

I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:
in good time.

By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you
in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
Aloud
I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments.

Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I
not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
I did appoint?

As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the
place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of
the Garter.

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer!

Ay, dat is very good; excellent.

Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me
thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have
deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong
places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are
whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay
their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;
follow, follow, follow.

Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host

Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of
us, ha, ha?

This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog
our prains together to be revenge on this same
scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
Exeunt

Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to
be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?

I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf.

O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.
Enter FORD

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want
of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would marry.

Be sure of that,--two other husbands.

Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my
husband had him of. What do you call your knight's
name, sirrah?

Sir John Falstaff.

Sir John Falstaff!

He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a
league between my good man and he! Is your wife at
home indeed?

Indeed she is.

By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any
thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as
easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he
gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's
going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A
man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming
Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and
wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all
my neighbours shall cry aim.
Clock heard
The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be
rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as
positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there: I will go.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

Well met, Master Ford.

Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;
and I pray you all go with me.

I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with
Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for
more money than I'll speak of.

We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and
my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

I hope I have your good will, father Page.

You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:
but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.

Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush.

What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he
dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will
carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he
will carry't.

Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
of no having: he kept company with the wild prince
and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too
much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance: if he take her,
let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on
my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me
to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,
you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.

Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing
at Master Page's.
Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER

Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Exit RUGBY

Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Exit

[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first
with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?

Have with you to see this monster.
Exeunt

Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

What, John! What, Robert!

Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--

I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket

Come, come, come.

Here, set it down.

Give your men the charge; we must be brief.

Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause
or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

You will do it?

I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
Exeunt Servants

Here comes little Robin.
Enter ROBIN

How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he
swears he'll turn me away.

Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be
a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet
and hose. I'll go hide me.

Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
Exit ROBIN
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
Exit

Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,
this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know
turtles from jays.
Enter FALSTAFF

Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let
me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

O sweet Sir John!

Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the
best lord; I would make thee my lady.

I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

Let the court of France show me such another. I see
how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
Venetian admittance.

A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing
else; nor that well neither.

By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm
fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion
to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see
what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature
thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I
cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury
in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none
but thee; and thou deservest it.

Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek
of a lime-kiln.

Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one
day find it.

Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.

Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not
be in that mind.

[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and
looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.
FALSTAFF hides himself
Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
What's the matter? how now!

O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,
you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!

What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man
to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

What cause of suspicion?

What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I
mistook in you!

Why, alas, what's the matter?

Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that
he says is here now in the house by your consent, to
take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

'Tis not so, I hope.

Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,
with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a
one. I come before to tell you. If you know
yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you
have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not
amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your
reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear
friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his
peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were
out of the house.

For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink
you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot
hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here
is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he
may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as
if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time
--send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?

[Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let
me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's
counsel. I'll in.

What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
I'll never--
Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen

Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

What, John! Robert! John!
Exit ROBIN
Re-enter Servants
Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;
I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

To the laundress, forsooth.

Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You
were best meddle with buck-washing.

Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;
and of the season too, it shall appear.
Exeunt Servants with the basket
Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my
chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant
we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.
Locking the door
So, now uncape.

Good Master Ford, be *******ed: you wrong yourself too much.

True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see
sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
Exit

This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France.

Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

Is there not a double excellency in this?

I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
is deceived, or Sir John.

What a taking was he in when your husband asked who
was in the basket!

I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.

Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same
strain were in the same distress.

I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross
in his jealousy till now.

I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have
more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will
scarce obey this medicine.

Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the
water; and give him another hope, to betray him to
another punishment?

We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that
he could not compass.

[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?

You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

Ay, I do so.

Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

Amen!

You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

Ay, ay; I must bear it.

If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What
spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.

'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as
honest a 'omans as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.

By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter
make known to you why I have done this. Come,
wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;
pray heartily, pardon me.

Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock
him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house
to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I
have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

Any thing.

If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

Pray you, go, Master Page.

I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy
knave, mine host.

Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!

A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
Exeunt

Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE

I see I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

Alas, how then?

Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth--,
And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.

May be he tells you true.

No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.

Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!
They converse apart
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall
speak for himself.

I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
venturing.

Be not dismayed.

No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,
but that I am afeard.

Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.

I come to him.
Aside
This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!

And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.

She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!

I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you
good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress
Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of
a pen, good uncle.

Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.

He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the
degree of a squire.

He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.

Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good
comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.

Now, Master Slender,--

Now, good Mistress Anne,--

What is your will?

My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest
indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I
am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing
with you. Your father and my uncle hath made
motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be
his dole! They can tell you how things go better
than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.
Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE

Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

She is no match for you.

Sir, will you hear me?

No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

Speak to Mistress Page.

Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love
And not retire: let me have your good will.

Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.

That's my master, master doctor.

Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth
And bowl'd to death with turnips!

Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;
Her father will be angry.

Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE

This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast
away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on
Master Fenton:' this is my doing.

I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night
Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.

Now heaven send thee good fortune!
Exit FENTON
A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I
would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would
Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master
Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all
three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good
as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,
I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!
Exit

Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

Bardolph, I say,--

Here, sir.

Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
Exit BARDOLPH
Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a
barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,
I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give
them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,
fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the
bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was ****vy and
shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells
a man; and what a thing should I have been when I
had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack

Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my
belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for
pills to cool the reins. Call her in.

Come in, woman!
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship
good morrow.

Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of
sack finely.

With eggs, sir?

Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
Exit BARDOLPH
How now!

Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown
into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:
she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her
between eight and nine: I must carry her word
quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.

I will tell her.

Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

Eight and nine, sir.

Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

Peace be with you, sir.
Exit

I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word
to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
Enter FORD

Bless you, sir!

Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed
between me and Ford's wife?

That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
house the hour she appointed me.

And sped you, sir?

Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our
encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,
and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;
and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither
provoked and instigated by his distemper, and,
forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

What, while you were there?

While I was there.

And did he search for you, and could not find you?

You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's
approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's
distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

A buck-basket!

By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.

And how long lay you there?

Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.
Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's
knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their
mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to
Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met
the jealous knave their master in the door, who
asked them once or twice what they had in their
basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave
would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he
should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he
for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But
mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs
of three several deaths; first, an intolerable
fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten
bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good
bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,
like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes
that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a
man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject
to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution
and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.
And in the height of this bath, when I was more than
half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be
thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,
in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of
that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.

In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you
have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?

Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have
been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have
received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

'Tis past eight already, sir.

Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be
crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall
have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall
cuckold Ford.
Exit

Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I
sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!
there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.
This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my
house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he
should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,
nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that
guides him should aid him, I will search
impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,
yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:
if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I'll be horn-mad.
Exit

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE

Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?

Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but,
truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing
into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.

I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young
man here to school. Look, where his master comes;
'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?

No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.

Blessing of his heart!

Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in
the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some
questions in his accidence.

Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.

Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your
master, be not afraid.

William, how many numbers is in nouns?

Two.

Truly, I thought there had been one number more,
because they say, ''Od's nouns.'

Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?

Pulcher.

Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.

You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace.
What is 'lapis,' William?

A stone.

And what is 'a stone,' William?

A pebble.

No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.

Lapis.

That is a good William. What is he, William, that
does lend articles?

Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus
declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.

Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:
genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?

Accusativo, hinc.

I pray you, have your remembrance, child,
accusative, hung, hang, hog.

'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative
case, William?

O,--vocativo, O.

Remember, William; focative is caret.

And that's a good root.

'Oman, forbear.

Peace!

What is your genitive case plural, William?

Genitive case!

Ay.

Genitive,--horum, harum, horum.

Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never name
her, child, if she be a whore.

For shame, 'oman.

You do ill to teach the child such words: he
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do
fast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you!

'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no
understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the
genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as
I would desires.

Prithee, hold thy peace.

Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.

Forsooth, I have forgot.

It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your 'quies,'
your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must be
preeches. Go your ways, and play; go.

He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

Adieu, good Sir Hugh.
Exit SIR HUGH EVANS
Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.
Exeunt